Ask a Geologist: Seriousness

Well, I have this, uh, friend, and she's had some neurological problems in the past as well as some auto-immune stuff. She's in reasonably good health right now, but she's letting the fear of more problems rule her life.

She's afraid to get a job. She's usually a fairly outgoing person, but she's just moved to a new town, and she's lonely sometimes b/c she hasn't gotten involved.

She's a little skeevy about driving b/c of the aforementioned neuro stuff as well as the fact that her new home is very rainy--which can be scary to drive in.

Does the Geologist have any advice for my, um, friend?

Tell your friend I said not to waste her time. And by that I don't mean, don't both getting a job or making friends. I mean, SEIZE THE GD DAY! Get out there and kick life's ass. As Childish Gambino says, "We're here for a good, not a long, time."

If Friend wants to get a job she should get a job that makes her happy and that she enjoys. (Or she should volunteer! Which is like a job but it makes you feel more content/smug.) If Friend wants more Friends besides you...who might actually be her...then Friend should go ahead and do that.

It is hard to overcome this kind of fear. It is sometimes hard or impossible to just "suck it up." That's not really an option. I recommend that Friend start small and just work her way in to it. The problem with jobs is that they expect you to be there quite a bit and they get touchy about things because they are paying you. Volunteering would be a good fit for Friend because she could have a flexible schedule, meet new people and possibly do something that would help take her mind off of her problems. There is always someone worse off than you, as they say.

I went to hear someone speak this weekend who said something that I thought was incredible. He said that when he has a problem with something, like he's feeling jealous or worried about money or something like that, he goes out of his way to do the opposite of that thing. When he's worried about having enough money he donates to charity. When he's feeling lustful he focuses on love instead. To that end I think that Friend should plan a party.

Not a big party...not a blowout shindig with catering and craziness...but maybe Friend should invite over a few people she'd like to get to know better for dinner and game night. Or even suggest to a new acquaintance that they go out to lunch. Maybe see if her guests would like to bring one of their friends too.

The driving issue is scarier and I'm loathe to give advice without knowing all of the details. I am imagining, since I know where you live, that pedestrianism and public transit are not really viable options. I might be wrong about that? I would have Friend talk to her physician to try and find out how real the danger is and if there is any advice for that. It's also a great time of year to take your car into a mechanic and have them make sure it's safe and ready for winter. Tires are a big thing in wet conditions.

In my old age I have gotten more aggressive about making friends. You just have to! But I have found that people are really more interested in hanging out than I give them credit for. I'm always hesitant to invite a new person to hang out or to try and convert and acquaintance to a friend but it always works out great. I find that everyone is a little shy about things like this. Just meeting someone for coffee or shopping is a great icebreaker that's low pressure and has plenty of room for flexibility.

Don't forget Friend of Friend, that you and I met while I was meeting someone I had only talked to on the internet. She brought you for support and the three of us took off like a greased frictionless object boosted with rocket power. We've been friends ever since. Friend should use you as an example. Maybe you should tell Friend the story of how you met your husband. ;)

I want to challenge Friend to hang out with one new person and volunteer for one cool thing before Christmas. It might not sound like much but you'd be surprised how these things have a way of snowballing.