A Geologist Tells You: Journey to the Center of the Earth

Journey to the Center of the Earth is perhaps the worst movie ever. OK it's right up there with other horror moves, The Core, 2010 and The Day After Tomorrow. These movies are complete crap but sometimes I forget and accidentally watch one on purpose and then...for about six months I'm filled with rage. I'll randomly roll my eyes and mutter, "It can't be made of diamonds."

So here's a clip from this shitty movie (see I'm already mad):

#@$$%%%%^^^%$#@@*&*&&^%&^$ujyhl,asfdhgajalsdfjsdkfhsldfhsdfhi'm foaming at the mouth. OK we're going to get through this together.

They are standing on MUSCOVITE? Muscovite is a mica. It is a silicate which means it is pretty sturdy and you KNOW WHAT ELSE IT'S NOT GOING TO CRACK LIKE ICE BECAUSE IT HAD CLEAVAGE THAT PEELS IN SHEETS...it doesn't crack and he's supposed to be a geologist. It's like plastic and it forms in thick layers. IS HE DRUNK?

OK real talk. For the rest of this thing if I type it in lower case imagine I am yelling because I am yelling. It peels in sheets, that's all I'm sayin' folks.

OK so they fall into the center of the Earth, whatever, idiots...and then they find these bioluminescent birds and he's like, "Oh dude. These went extinct like 150 million years ago."

And you hear that and you're like, "Whatever. That's pretty old, man," but I hear that and I'm like what the what? 150 millions year ago? They died. Well, that's super convenient because Archaeopteryx lived around 150 millions years ago ok and oh yeah, it was the first bird like thing. The grandaddy of all birds. Birds as we know them didn't even appear until about 160 million years ago. So there's that...Nevermind that this little bio-sparrow is Disneyfied and freakin' makes faces and chirps at people.

The insanity continues when they fall for 15 minutes but don't splat even when they hit a water slide, check out the center of the Earth and there's water and like some sort of fake sun made out of gas (odorless, non-toxic, no radioactive, faux sun gas) and there's trilobites that you can eat. They have white gooey centers.

After a little bit of this you kind of think, "OK self. This is fantasy. Let's just go with it." and then they see the ocean.

The ocean.

The center of the Earth ocean with the center of the Earth seashore but they're like, "Oh snap! It's getting so hot so fast cause of the igneous something er another and we're like gonna die of teh heat strox lolz." But no one is sweating and they all have on winter clothes. Homegirl's hair is as perfect as it was before she fell, to the center of the Earth. So they hatch a plan to get out where they build a BOAT to capture the WIND to sail across the OCEAN to hitch a ride on a GEYSER.

You know in movies when people have brain hemorrages and blood comes out of their nose. That seriously happens every time I think about this. And that's before the sea monsters and piranhas and the cell phone call. I can't get reception in my office at work and MC Whiney Teen gets a phone call at the core.

Brendan Fraser's ripped biceps are the ONLY redeeming quality of the movie unless you are a guy in which case it's Blonde Token Adventure Girl's Teflon Yoga Pants of Invincibility.

A storm brews while they are at "sea" and they get separated. DJ Teenmaster Whine has to go across a....ravine...thing (where does it go? the center of the center of the Earth?) that's made with suspended boulders that are floating because of magnetism.

Bad news, Movie Writers, if the core is a big empty jungle and not a hulking high pressure mass of iron nickel alloy surrounded by a fluid mantle then you don't have anything to make a magnetic field. No dumbass compasses you keep using and no stupid floating Donkey Kong boulder path. A T-Rex chases Senor Nino de Whineypantalones and he outruns it but it can break through rocks with it's nose and it falls (to where?) through more glass like muscovite.

Then they are reunited with Blondie who has made a boat out of a jaw of a dead T-Rex and the geyser squirts them out of the volcano into Italy. Of course. And I would feel bad for giving you these spoilers but:

A. This movie is a waste of your time You're welcome.

B. I turned it off at this point so you could have 5 more epic hours of glorious plot twists and I would have no idea.

PS Another problem with this movie is that the kid in it is going to be Peeta in the Hunger Games movie which means that in March I will be forced to be in love with. It's going to be super awkward.