Ask a Geologist: Seriousness: EF

Dear Geologist,

I just totally eye-f**ked a hot doctor at UNC Hospital. How do I get him to want to date and marry me (only knowing which door he walked into after the eye-rape I gave him)?

Love,
EF


For this you need a five point plan of attack:

1. Find out his name.

You can a) Make note of the room number, grab the nearest scrub wearing person that's handy, and say, "What is the name of the Dr. that just went into room 2013B?" They don't know. Of course they don't know. Get huffy with them until they track it down for you.


Or B) Walk around looking for like pictures of staff on the wall, lists of those on call and just Veronica Mars the hell out of things until you figure it out.

C) Wait til he comes out and call him the wrong name, "Excuse me, are you Dr. McDoctorson?" You can probably just read his name tag but if he doesn't have one (sketch) you can be like, "Oh, who are you? Ms. Nurse Nurseynurse just told me you were Dr. McDoctorson." HAHA now you have a funny story for when you meet again. Also, you're kind of a liar. Hilarious.

2. Google that ish. Facebook stalk, read his Tweets, skim his medical journal articles and gather intel. You want him to want to date AND marry you so you're going to need to know as much about him as you did about Justin Timberlake when you we're in Junior High. Since there is no such thing as a hot doctor version of Tiger Beat you're going to have to do this yourself.

(OMG and when you get done we're going to become billionaires by making a hot doctor/ pharmacist/FedEx/Electrical Engineer/ChemLawn Guy version of Tiger Beat for old ladies like us. We'll call it COUGAR BEAT!!! ROLFLMAO I AM A GENIUS.

It'll look something like this. We're so money. Yeah, I made that in Powerpoint.)

3. Now is an excellent time of year to go after a hot doctor. Why? Because all of the slutty nurse costumes just went on sale. Run out and buy a slutty nurse outfit. Volunteer as a candy striper. Dude, actually, have you seen those candy striper outfits? Return the slutty nurse outfit. Just get yourself a regular old candy striper outfit. (More like Candy the Stripper amirite?)



4. Go in there with your outfit and chat up Dr. Hotdoctor. (Paging Dr. Hotdoctor....) and drop in the things you've learned from Cougar Beat. "Haha I learned to change bed pans when I was living in Montana. Oh YOU are from Montana? Tee hee what a small world...that reminds me that I just love rainbow sherbet and baseball. OH YOUUUUU LOVE THOSE TOOOOO? OH WOW." Now would be a good time to twirl your hair at him and bat your eyes. (Note: Pick up fake eyelashes when you return your nurse outfit.)

5. Next find out where he hangs out and be there. The Chipotle across from the hospital is a good bet. Clear your calendar and hang out there in a hot outfit until he comes over to eat lunch and propose.

If that sounds too labor intensive for you I guess you could just try and introduce yourself like the smart, mature, hotty that you are. Maybe ask him a question for your grad school research but really....what fun would that be?

PS COUGAR BEAT + US = PROFIT

PPS We're too young to be cougars.