Ask a Geologist: Seriousness

Well, I have this, uh, friend, and she's had some neurological problems in the past as well as some auto-immune stuff. She's in reasonably good health right now, but she's letting the fear of more problems rule her life.

She's afraid to get a job. She's usually a fairly outgoing person, but she's just moved to a new town, and she's lonely sometimes b/c she hasn't gotten involved.

She's a little skeevy about driving b/c of the aforementioned neuro stuff as well as the fact that her new home is very rainy--which can be scary to drive in.

Does the Geologist have any advice for my, um, friend?

Tell your friend I said not to waste her time. And by that I don't mean, don't both getting a job or making friends. I mean, SEIZE THE GD DAY! Get out there and kick life's ass. As Childish Gambino says, "We're here for a good, not a long, time."

If Friend wants to get a job she should get a job that makes her happy and that she enjoys. (Or she should volunteer! Which is like a job but it makes you feel more content/smug.) If Friend wants more Friends besides you...who might actually be her...then Friend should go ahead and do that.

It is hard to overcome this kind of fear. It is sometimes hard or impossible to just "suck it up." That's not really an option. I recommend that Friend start small and just work her way in to it. The problem with jobs is that they expect you to be there quite a bit and they get touchy about things because they are paying you. Volunteering would be a good fit for Friend because she could have a flexible schedule, meet new people and possibly do something that would help take her mind off of her problems. There is always someone worse off than you, as they say.

I went to hear someone speak this weekend who said something that I thought was incredible. He said that when he has a problem with something, like he's feeling jealous or worried about money or something like that, he goes out of his way to do the opposite of that thing. When he's worried about having enough money he donates to charity. When he's feeling lustful he focuses on love instead. To that end I think that Friend should plan a party.

Not a big party...not a blowout shindig with catering and craziness...but maybe Friend should invite over a few people she'd like to get to know better for dinner and game night. Or even suggest to a new acquaintance that they go out to lunch. Maybe see if her guests would like to bring one of their friends too.

The driving issue is scarier and I'm loathe to give advice without knowing all of the details. I am imagining, since I know where you live, that pedestrianism and public transit are not really viable options. I might be wrong about that? I would have Friend talk to her physician to try and find out how real the danger is and if there is any advice for that. It's also a great time of year to take your car into a mechanic and have them make sure it's safe and ready for winter. Tires are a big thing in wet conditions.

In my old age I have gotten more aggressive about making friends. You just have to! But I have found that people are really more interested in hanging out than I give them credit for. I'm always hesitant to invite a new person to hang out or to try and convert and acquaintance to a friend but it always works out great. I find that everyone is a little shy about things like this. Just meeting someone for coffee or shopping is a great icebreaker that's low pressure and has plenty of room for flexibility.

Don't forget Friend of Friend, that you and I met while I was meeting someone I had only talked to on the internet. She brought you for support and the three of us took off like a greased frictionless object boosted with rocket power. We've been friends ever since. Friend should use you as an example. Maybe you should tell Friend the story of how you met your husband. ;)

I want to challenge Friend to hang out with one new person and volunteer for one cool thing before Christmas. It might not sound like much but you'd be surprised how these things have a way of snowballing.

Ask a Geologist

I'm a geologist and as part of my job strangers come into my office and ask me to help them solve all of their serious life problems in a matter of fifteen minutes. Doesn't make sense? Doesn't make sense to me either. Unfortunately no one asked me and this is a big part of my job.

Because I have some kind of innocent, Irish, non-threatening air about me I get people confiding in me all the time. And by "people" I mean "strangers" and by "confiding in me" I mean "telling me TMI everywhere I go."

The best part is that everyone needs an answer to their pressing life issues right away because...I don't know them...and they have other places to be. So it's not like I'm going to exchange numbers with them, mull things over with a cup of tea and then call them back with sound, well thought out advice. It's more like me blurting out, "You should tell her how you feel! Shit or get off the pot!"

So because I'm an expert we're trying out a new segment of LBAY called, "Ask a Geologist." My friend JP asked me, "What topics do you feel comfortable giving advice on?" The answer to that is, "None. I feel comfortable giving advice on zero topics. However, I will uncomfortably give you advice on any topic."

A anonymous reader writes, "I have trouble going out and doing things by myself. It makes me anxious. How can I get over this need to have other people do things with me in order to get out and do things?

Dear Reader...ARE YOU MESSING WITH ME??? No fair writing in first thing and asking me to solve a problem that I actually have. MOM IS THIS YOU??

Seriously though, I have a really hard time with this. One of my friends once told me that I needed to chill out. “People aren’t thinking about you all the time. Most of the time people don’t pay attention to what other people are doing,” she said. I would love to believe that but I can’t. My evidence is the fact that I am watching what other people are doing ALL THE TIME. It’s true that I rarely think, “Dude. That person is so weird.” (Except when the guy was buying the giant vat of baby oil at Kroger in the middle of the night and then he went and got into his tinted windowed rapist van. That time I was pretty judgey.)

I have four recommendations that work for me and perhaps will work for you as well.
First: break the seal with someone. Go to places or do activities that are familiar to you that you have previously been to with someone else then do things the way you did the last time. This will remove some of the discomfort because you will know the routine and the lay of the land. In the worst case scenario you can imagine your previous companion is there. It’s better than trying out a new place by yourself because you’re not taking on too much at once.

Second: Try to go to places that have structure so you don’t have to make too many decisions on your own. Movie theaters, fitness classes, volunteer opportunities…in all of these places some else is in charge who isn’t really you and you can participate with as little or as much interaction as you want. Plus everyone involved has a task to keep them busy so they won’t be looking around and wondering what you’re up to. Except for the movie theater these are also great places to meet new people.

Third: Fake it until you make it. They say that people with stutters can sing flawlessly. If YOU aren’t comfortable going to the beach by yourself perhaps the Beyonce version of you is. Dress up, listen to music that gets you pumped up and feeling invincible and strut your diva self over to where you want to be. This is how I get through public speaking. I don’t speak publicly…ever. Some imaginary super confident kick ass version of myself does all the talking. As Ben Folds would say, “I do the best imitation of myself.” Smile a lot. It’s easier than making small talk and it makes you appear more self-assured and approachable.

Four: This is a last resort but one that we all do, just go into any coffees shop and look around. Bring a safety blanket…and by that I mean an ipod, phone, book or laptop. Anything you can whip out that simultaneously entertains you and says, “Look, I have an awesome life. I’m just relaxing and/or working hard right now.” But don’t use that as a crutch or you won’t enjoy the place you’re trying to enjoy on your own. Bring the stuff and only use it when the urge to flee becomes overpowering.